As I write this I’m lying in bed in my work clothes pain shooting down my back and my mind has won another battle, I don’t know what I expected, a magic cure perhaps. Take the tablets and I’ll Be all Sister Maria twirling and singing on a mountain top?
Well unfortunately for me days like today still happen. The lack of sleep, the constant pressures from the outside world as well as the expectation from within myself, the pain in my back and it feels like a weakness to mentally give in and hide in bed. I’ve learnt that isn’t what it is, at some point a little kink of light will show I’ll get up I’ll deal with the day and I’ll know I am recovering.
The trouble is people cannot physically see anything and I have to admit you feel like a fraud, oh yes multiple fractures in my spine and the small matter of depression , oh poor you and then the embarrassment factor as you notice people shut down ‘ NUT JOB’. No please don’t skirt over it, talk to me about it, I’m not ashamed and talking actually helps would you believe, and quite the contrary I’m still the same person and yes, ok maybe a little nut job, but aren’t we all? Bad days will happen but they’re not bad weeks or months anymore.
Luckily I have some amazing clients who put up with my erratic nature and are just about allowing me to keep the business going, the Doctors is on speed dial although unless you go through triage at 8 am in the morning ‘the next available appointment is 10.50 on the 25th of February’ could you make it? Yep we’ve all been there, pull your hair out as you think A: hope not to be ill then and B: who blinking well knows it’s two months away! As you say, “oh that sounds great”.
I have some amazing friends who have offered lots of support and I’m sad to say I perhaps haven’t taken advantage of there generosity and kindness, instead I have pushed people away. I can’t explain why but I guess I just didn’t want to wear the mask of pretence it’s exhausting but as I have been dealing with it I realise it’s ok to just be who you are that day and to lean on people. It’s the simple things like receiving a text ‘fancy a run’ and although I say no more than yes when you’re out there pounding the pavement in the fresh air with nature around you, having someone converse with you or just listening to you ramble that support is worth the world. So thank you all, please keep persisting.
Mrs H is an absolute rock as are our six children, they all deserve so much credit as I’m well aware it really hasn’t been easy. I had a pretence that I’ve been using to keep home, happy, light and fun but when I hit the bottom it became quite hard and for a while I just lost all interaction any responsibility around the home, I was almost a ghost. They accommodated me understood what I needed and allowed me the time to be, I cannot underestimate the strength and love that it took for Mrs Hurr to see me so low yet not allow it to take her down, everyone participated in the running of the house, they all seemed to accept an unsaid word and realised it was time to pitch in as a family unit.
It isn’t all roses and perfect families we are just perfectly imperfect, we do have two teenagers who are finding their feet in the world and with each other and normality resumes most days as they can’t bare the site of each other, children who get undressed and throw clothes and toys where they happen to be standing at that moment, we hear I’m hungry, he hit me she’s been in my room a thousand times a day, thank god for anti depressants I’m as cool as cucumber now, ha ha!
I cannot communicate how proud I am as a husband and a father of my beautiful family.
Last night whilst preparing Felix for bed I got one of the most rewarding joyful moments he merely asked “are you coming to watch the school play Dad” to which I replied “I wouldn’t miss it for the world ‘ he then said “I don’t want you to” to which my heart sank but persevered “don’t want me to what” to which he replied get ready #joyfulmoment “I don’t want you to miss it you are the best dad in the world” tears stream, big hug and kiss super proud emotional wreck of a Dad .
Bring on Christmas and all the joy that come with it.